Castiel's Journal
by padasigh
Summary: Castiel wasn't one to be open with a lot of people, but Dean was his exception. Castiel always felt that he could tell Dean anything and everything. Well, almost anything and everything. But, some things - emotions, really - were better left unsaid and kept within Castiel's mind, to save them for writing poetry in his freetime in one of his many journals.


**A/N: This idea came to me from twitter user Hold_YourHeart (Malivia forever!) when we were talking about Misha's poems and she mentioned an idea of Castiel writing poems about Dean. My version is different than hers, but it has the same concept, although mine doesn't include a song and it doesn't include any specific poetry.**

* * *

Castiel wasn't one to be open with a lot of people, but Dean was his exception. Castiel always felt that he could tell Dean anything and everything. Well, almost anything and everything. But, some things - emotions, really - were better left unsaid and kept within Castiel's mind, to save them for writing poetry in his freetime in one of his many journals.

Castiel had discovered his love for poetry in the Renaissance when the arts became popular and the angel had decided to study human culture. He had used the writing form for years to come; writing about his emotions and his thoughts on God and his brothers and how simple human life seemed.

As of lately, with his journeys with the Winchesters, Castiel had little time for his poetry. Although, whenever his emotions became too much for him to handle or he was confused on something that no one could really explain to him properly, Castiel made sure that he fit in time to write and relax. It was therapeutic for the angel.

Castiel hid his entries from Dean and tried his hardest to keep his journal out of everyone's sight. He shared a lot with Dean, sure, but he wasn't ready to share his deepest thoughts and feelings. Especially considering that his deepest thoughts and feelings were about Castiel's deep longing for the hunter.

So, when he flew away to retrieve some groceries as a favor for Dean and Sam, he panicked the moment that he realized his journal was still in the motel room. Castiel had brought the journal to the motel by accident, but ended up using it while he was there; Dean and Sam had been preoccupied with a case that was reminding them of a wendigo and Castiel had time to write in it, disguising it as drawing as not to cause suspicion from the brothers.

But, as he stood in line to pay for the groceries an hour and a half later, Castiel realized that his secrets were out in the open and there was no doubt in the angel's mind that Dean and Sam would at least leaf through them if they noticed the journal.

* * *

_An hour and a half earlier, inside the motel room._

* * *

Dean stretched his back and cracked his neck before standing up and considering his options. Castiel had just left to get groceries(Sam wanted to make a home-cooked meal for some weird reason), Sam was still enthralled in his research, and Dean was taking a break. So, he collapsed onto the squeaky bed in the corner, grimacing at how scratchy the beige comforter was, and reached for the remote to watch Dr. Sexy, MD. But, instead of the remote, Dean's hand ran across something leathery, and he realized that he was holding Castiel's journal.

Dean had seen the journal around before, always kept very close to Castiel or tucked inside the angel's overcoat. Dean never asked about it because he only saw it a few times, and the times he saw it were when he was working on a case and didn't really care to ask about it. But, now that it was so close to him, Dean grew curious as to what the angel wrote about, so he opened the journal.

Dean read the journal for about an hour and fifteen minutes, finishing it, and set it back down where it was originally placed. He sat up abruptly, absolutely positive that Castiel would be extremely unhappy and uncomfortable if he knew that Dean had read his journal, especially considering that most of the entries were about the hunter, himself.

So, Dean walked back to where he was seated earlier, sat down in the chair in front of Sam's and tried his best to act normal as he thought through everything that was running through his mind. Obviously, Dean wasn't doing a very good job, because Sam noticed that something was different almost immediately.

"What's up?" Sam asked, closing the laptop in front of him.

"Nothing," Dean replied, wishing that his brother would just leave him alone for a few minutes.

"You're a horrible liar." Sam stated. Clearly, he wasn't giving up.

"It's some personal stuff."

"How personal?"

"It's between me and Cas."

"Oh, I see." Sam said, but the smile on his face was too suspicious for Dean's liking. Had Sam known about Castiel's emotions the whole time?

"What do you know?" Dean demanded, glaring harshly at his brother.

"Nothing, really. Just stuff that I've overheard for the past couple nights in a row." Sam said, his grin widening.

"What have you heard?"

"A few moans of Castiel's name in your sleeping state, but it's nothing." Sam said, snorting. Dean flushed. Okay, that was _not_ what he expected.

"Oh. _Oh._" Dean remembered those dreams. Castiel's hands brushing across his stomach, Castiel's normally-messy hair even messier, Castiel's lips trailing across his- Well, Dean remembered, to say the least.

"Uh, yeah... Whatever, dude. I'm glad you've had your revelation or whatever, but you don't need to come out of the closet to me. I've known for a while." Sam said. Dean's eyes widened.

"I have never brought a dude back to the motel, so I have no idea how you could've known." Dean replied.

"You're bisexuality has never been doubted in my mind. You've always been... loud, if you will, in your sleep. Half the time, you'd be moaning some chick's name and the other half, it'd be about Dr. Sexy or some dude." Sam said, shrugging.

Dean gaped for a few moments and went to respond, but was interrupted by a flurry of papers that caught the wind as Castiel entered the room with a bag of groceries and a panicked expression. The angel's striking blue eyes searched around the room until they settled on the journal that was still on the bed, and his stature relaxed significantly. Castiel set the bags of groceries on the floor next to Sam and grabbed the journal off of the bed, tucking it inside his coat. Dean decided that he should think about some things before talking any more to Sam, so he snatched his keys from his bedside table and took of in the Impala.

* * *

Castiel relaxed into the silence that filled the motel room after Dean left and took out his journal, comfortable with writing in front of Sam when the youngest Winchester's mind was preoccupied. Something struck him as odd, though. Castiel always made sure to dog-ear his page that he left off on, but the dog-ear had come undone. Also, there was some smudging on some of the pages that Castiel didn't recognize and the book smelled vaguely like...

Oh no.

Castiel slammed the journal shut and looked up, panicking again. Sam had turned away from the computer now, startled by Castiel's outburst, and was looking at the angel in confusion.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Sam asked.

"What was Dean doing before I arrived back from the store?" Castiel asked, ignoring Sam's questions.

"Uh, I don't know, he talked to me for a few minutes after he got done reading some book," Sam started, but before he could finish his sentence, the angel was gone, a gust of wind rushing across Sam's face as Castiel's only sign of flight.

* * *

Dean drove for 15 minutes before turning around, satisfied with his thoughts and prepared to tell Sam everything he was thinking. The hunter wasn't ready to tell Castiel just yet, but he figured that, after his chat with his brother, he would have the confidence.

Once he stepped through the door of the motel room and threw his keys on the table where Sam was seated, he looked around for Castiel, but figured that the angel had left to do something else, so he sat himself in the seat across from Sam again.

"I think I like Cas." Dean said. Sam jolted his attention away from a spot on the carpet to meet his older brother's eyes and chuckled.

"I knew this."

"Shut up, I'm serious. I like him. And he likes me." Dean said. Sam's raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, really? How do you know this?" Sam asked.

"I read his notebook."

"So _that's _why he started freaking out!" Sam said. Dean's eyes widened.

"Wait, what did I miss?"

"Cas sat down and picked up that ratty old notebook and started freaking out. He asked me what you were doing before he got back from the store and I told him that you were reading a book that was on your bed. Basically, he flew away and looked like he was about to have a heart attack." Sam replied.

"_Shit_." Dean muttered, rubbing his face with his hands.

"You'll be fine, Dean. Just ask him out or something."

"Easy for you to say. You knew I was bi before I did."

"You've asked out girls before."

"I didn't care about them!" Dean exclaimed, slamming his fist down on the table.

It was silent for a few minutes while Dean pulled himself together and Sam watched his brother with amusement. Just as Sam was about to speak up and tell Dean that it was going to be fine and that he just had to be honest about his feelings, a rush of wind scattered some papers around the motel and Castiel appeared, his expression blank with hidden nervousness peeking through every few seconds. Sam cleared his throat and smiled awkwardly before standing up and grabbing the keys off of the table.

"I'm going to go for a drive." Sam said. He shut the door behind him before anyone could respond, leaving the motel room deafeningly silent.

"You read my journal." Castiel stated. His tone of voice wasn't angry, so Dean took that as a good sign.

"I did." Dean replied. A few moments of silence passed before Castiel spoke up again.

"I apologize if I've made you uncomfortable. I'd like to forget this incident ever occurred."

"I don't want to forget about it, Cas."

"Oh. I should leave, then."

"No, you should stay."

"I'm confused." Castiel said, exasperated.

"I liked what you wrote." Dean blurted out. He coughed to cover up his nerves.

"You did?"

"I did."

"Oh. I see."

"Yes."

More silence.

"Do you want to go out sometime?" Dean asked. Castiel stared at him for a few moments, expression bewildered.

"We go out all the time. This job requires us to be outdoors constantly."

"No, on a date, Cas."

"Are you requesting to court me?"

"Is that some kind of sex move? We'd have to say how the date goes, but-"

"No, Dean, it is not some kind of sex move. It's a romantic period that takes place before engagement and marriage."

"Yeah, that. Except, nowadays, we call that 'dating'." Dean said, his nerves evaporated. Castiel nodded in understanding.

"So, you wanna go out sometime?"

"I would like that very much, yes." Castiel replied, smiling slightly.

Dean sat down on his bed and gestured to the spot next to him for Castiel to settle into. Once the angel was seated, Dean wrapped his arm around him and pulled Castiel into his side, turning on the television. Castiel let out a content sigh and Dean rested his head on Castiel's, realizing something magnificent.

This is where he was meant to be.

* * *

**A/N: My internet was being stupid so I wrote the beginning of this 3 times. Urgh. Anyway, I hope you liked it. Please review! **


End file.
